Creepy Elf on the Shelf - Don't Do This!!

This is not a rant. I only have a few words to share. It's about this elf on the shelf motif used to get children involved in the spirit of Christmas. You know, the idea that Santa Claus is watching them so they better be good or else they won't get any presents? Yeah, that elf is a spy.

Some responsible parents like to get creative and spice it up here and there to keep there kids excited. I can imagine the awe in children as they discover the family elf has met a new friend and invited them over. Or maybe the family elf has decided to explore other areas of the home. After all, staying on the shelf in one position is just boring. This isn't an option in a family home where the parents are far from boring people, right? We can't have that!

Creative and well intentioned trends start off as simple competitions. I get that. But social media will be there to taunt folks into stepping it up a notch. Then we run into some serious issues. And you wonder why your millennial needs therapy.

Here are my ten inappropriate elf on the shelf displays and the reasons why I think they are inappropriate.

You think you're clever now, but one day they will be old enough to watch American Pie and they will never visit you again during the Christmas holidays. The grand kids will be off limits.

You would be better off to have the family elf kill off a giant stuffed spider or some other creepy victim. Never Elmo or any Sesame Street character for that matter. This is absolutely inappropriate. 

You know there is absolutely nothing wrong with this display, except for the fact that the family elf is capturing the scene for his own sick pleasure, further teaching your children that the objectification of young girls is okay. So inappropriate!

After the last three displays I shared, do you see how this is inappropriate?  

The family elf teams up with the infamous bad boy, Chucky. Together, they encourage children to commit cannibalism. Yes, Frosty the snowman came alive you ignoramus!

And you wonder why your kids seem to think everything belongs in the toilet. This, exactly this. Congratulations.

Suddenly little Johnny has stopped brushing his teeth? You don't say! Now he's a teenager and smells like shit all the time. You know they learn poor hygiene somewhere, right? Gee, I wonder where.

I'm all for encouraging kids to earn an allowance so they can buy themselves the things they want. But the family elf is sitting on a jar of baby food, so I think the kids are a little young for parents to start indoctrinating them into this sordid thing. They need to be old enough to actually work for their allowance, don't you think?

How to be Classy 101. Because a wine glass is commonly displayed with a roll of toilet paper and a can of Glade air freshener. The kid who grows up in this household is going to be a true romantic, I can almost guarantee it. 

Because breaking the law is so inappropriate. I don't know that this household has any children in it, but I'm guessing they didn't just go out and purchase a Barbie doll because this was just such a cool idea they had to spend upwards of $30.00 for that perfect display. No, they have children. And yes, this is inappropriate.

If you don't want to traumatize your kids, now or in the future, stay away from inappropriate displays with your family elf! Yes, kids are resilient. But they have memories like you wouldn't believe.

Do any of you have a favorite elf on the shelf display? Please share them in the comments below. I won't get onto you if it's inappropriate. There are no small children out here in the Blogosphere! 👀



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10 Things You Learn When Involved in a High Profile Project

Happy New Year everyone!

So much has been going on in my life these past few weeks that I haven't had the time to scavenge my thoughts long enough to write a post. I also have another class which started last weekend.  The class has been an inspiration to me because it made me reflect on the outcome of a high profile project I had the privilege to be involved with over the past 3 months. High profile to me means anything which can potentially get you fired if you fuck it up.

Because of the success of this project and as a celebration to its closure, I had sent out a survey to 20 people, professionals I know in various businesses, and asked them to provide their answers to the following questions:

What does nobody want to do during a high profile project?
What does everybody want to do during a high profile project?
What types of people want to be involved in a high profile project?
What are some things you've learned when working on a high profile project?

My favorite answers came from several people and I'll share them here. These are the 10 things you learn when involved in a high profile project. Enjoy!

1. Nobody wants to be that person who announces to the entire organization that a project is underway, especially if it's a high profile project.

2. Everybody wants to be the expert, but nobody wants to be the accountable.

3. The persons with the least knowledge are the most helpful (accidentally).

4. The persons with the most knowledge are the least helpful (on purpose).

5. The persons not working on the project are willing to provide feedback. If they like you, the feedback will be positive, and if they don't, the feedback will be negative.

6. While you're learning from your mistakes and growing, those least helpful are stagnating in their own lack of progress.

7. While you're learning from your mistakes and growing, those most helpful are bonding with a team that is grateful for their loyalty.

8. You find out who works best under pressure.

9. You find out how you work under pressure.

After writing down these nine answers, I stumbled upon a quick, closing note for answer number 10!

10. You finally realize who you need on your team and who you don't. I'll take willingness to work over knowledge any day of the week!

I'm a lifetime learner, so I learn something new every day. Just because someone has knowledge doesn't mean they will apply it while working on your team. Boot that mother fucker to the curb and find you some loyalty!  :)



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Scary Story in 5 Words

The newest trending hashtag on Twitter is #ScaryStoryIn5Words and here are my top 10 favorites!


Scary Story #10

"Congress: Obama gets another term!" #ScaryStoryIn5Words

— Hunter Robinson (@HunterCRobinson) October 20, 2015

Scary Story #9

Where did that spider go #ScaryStoryIn5Words

— #JusticeForMary (@babsbear) October 20, 2015

Scary Story #8

"Your password does not match" #ScaryStoryIn5Words pic.twitter.com/adm7e1P3Gr

— traderandsponser❤️ (@scotty1234xx) October 20, 2015

Scary Story #7

Oh my God, I'm pregnant. #ScaryStoryIn5Words

— SASSYPIEHOLE (@sassypiehole) October 20, 2015

Scary Story #6

This is our freakin future! #ScaryStoryIn5Words pic.twitter.com/Tiq3g0arSD

— Fish Daddy Cupcake (@fishdaddy37) October 20, 2015

Scary Story #5

#ScaryStoryIn5Words Your character has been deleted.

— pepto-abysmal alix (@ShaofHappiness) October 31, 2014

Scary Story #4

#scarystoryin5words Do you take this woman..?

— LolWtfIdkStfuIdgaf (@Mulatto_Burrito) October 20, 2015

Scary Story #3

"Your 45th President, Donald Trump!" #ScaryStoryIn5Words pic.twitter.com/l757wOEJyv

— Bob Melone (@BobMelone) October 20, 2015

Scary Story #2

#ScaryStoryIn5Words Marriages That Ended On FaceBook https://t.co/GKwM29KdKJ

— Melissa (@PLZ_4_RT) October 20, 2015

Scary Story #1

And the frog's gonna watch. #ScaryStoryIn5Words @midnight pic.twitter.com/V8rIJoQ4Z0

— Jonesy (@JonesyBeGood) October 20, 2015

Share your favorite #ScaryStoryIn5Words in the comments below and Happy Halloween, Blogosphere!


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My Favorite Quotes for Writers and Communicators

"Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something." --Plato



"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." --George Bernard Shaw

"Of all of our inventions for mass communication, pictures still speak the most universally understood language." --Walt Disney



"The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak." --Hans Hofmann



"Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them." --Nathaniel Hawthorne

"A writer is someone who can make a riddle out of an answer." --Karl Kraus



"I don't start with a design objective, I start with a communication objective. I feel my project is successful if it communicates what it is supposed to communicate." --Mike Davidson



"Communication works for those who work at it." -- John Powell

"To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; to be credible we must be truthful." -- Edward R. Murrow



"When you forget yourself and your fear, when you get beyond self-consciousness because your mind is thinking about what you are trying to communicate, you become a better communicator." -- Peggy Noonan, former speechwriter for Ronald Reagan


What are some of your favorite quotes?



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Top Ten Replaceable Words

An article jumped out at me while at work today. A link to it in our weekly newsletter lured me away, the title being "18 Common Words You Should Replace in Your Writing." So what do you think I did while reading this article? I mulled over each word and instinctively produced some fresh ideas of my own, not just replacement words. I'll summarize 10 of the suggestions given, then provide my own thoughts.

1. Good - superb, outstanding, or exceptional.

I agree with this one. If you want to say something was good or someone did well, try a little creative back story.

I hadn't had a meal like that since grandma made her chicken and dumplings and won first place at the Greenwich Country Cook Off.

2. New - latest or recent

If you're talking about a recent batch of donuts, wouldn't they be warm and sticky? Choose words which describe the properties of being new or recent. Maybe the smell of alcohol-based duplicating liquid would indicate the recent production of examination papers a teacher passes along in class.

Jackie lifted the paper and sniffed at the drying fumes on the exam sheet Miss Robinson placed on her desk.

Okay, so if you were born circa 1980, you won't get this. Just carry on.


3. Long - extended, lingering, or endless

If you tell me that it's been a long time since you last saw me, isn't that subjective? Maybe I didn't want to see you again, in which case it hadn't been long enough. Instead, be specific.

"Oh my goodness! It's been 10 years since I last saw you."  

"That many years, huh? Seems like yesterday to me."

4. Old - ancient, fossilized, decaying, or decrepit

The frayed laces and the unglued, rubber-tipped soles of his tennis shoes are a better way to describe something in a specific manner. Again, old is subjective here. To someone who grew up poor, that's just the half way point.


5. Right - exact, precise, or correct

It is the right thing to do! Oh yeah? Whose moral code are you following anyway?

She is right. Really? You mean what she said is based on fact? She spoke the truth, or otherwise didn't tell a lie.

I enjoy my coffee with 2 teaspoons of sugar in an 8 oz serving. Just right, for me.


6. Different - odd, uncommon, exotic, or striking

Instead of using the word different, I like to read descriptions which show contrast.

He flung the fair-skinned maiden onto the center stage in a room filled with Arabic bidders eager to make the purchase for her endowments. They yammered in quick, high pitched syllables, and the whites of their eyes bulged wildly from their sockets.

We can assume the lady is different in many ways, including race, community status, emotional state. So, when describing differences, think about why something or someone is different or odd. Let the reader enjoy the difference.


7. Small - microscopic, miniature, or tiny

Another subjective adjective. Babies are small, but baby rabbits are smaller. Here is another opportunity to show with contrast. What if you read about a tall man who had stubby, two-inch fingers and one-inch thumbs. Weird, huh?


8. Large - substantial, immense, enormous, or massive

I agree, large is boring. Huge is better! I like the word ginormous, shared by a fellow geek at an IBM conference once.

If you tell me a man palmed a regulation sized basketball, I will assume he has large hands. When describing mountains, it is not necessary to refer to them as massive. For real, is there a mountain out there which isn't massive?

The reception bill for my daughter's wedding would be considered large or substantial, but mentioning that it totalled $21,000.00 puts it in perspective a bit, doesn't it? Details are more substantive than mere adjectives.


9. Young - naive, youthful, or budding

Please be reminded that old people can be naive too. As a matter of fact, schemers tend to target elderly folk who are more naive in the ways of social engineering through technology and digital media.


10. Almost - nearly, practically, or verging on

Why even use these at all? I think this robs us of the fun in having things actually happen. So what if someone nearly fell off a chair? Wouldn't it be funnier if they fell off the chair?

Do you have any replaceable words to add to the list? 

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Top 10 Character Flaws That Don't Work For Me

I read once (or maybe more than once, but who's counting?) that characters are more likable when they are flawed, and to some extent, I believe this to be true. I have my favorite characters who are all flawed in many ways, but there are those characters who are beginning to pick at that last nerve. They're so cliched and I wonder why they are chosen over and over again as the favored protagonist or one of the main characters. I don't like them any more because I see them everywhere!


The Millionaire Philanderer

I don't understand this. Why is it that the guys who have money must be portrayed as weak when it comes to women in pursuit? Stop letting these women drape on you like a cheap suit! Sling them to the side and show some self-respect. This is similarly done with the rock stars toting around their posse and loyal groupie bangers. And why are they always extremely handsome? Ever see Donald Trump or Hugh Hefner? For real...

The Deep Dark Secret Sufferer

A great way to expose a flaw for a character who has a secret is for them to perform some odd behaviors like visit a secret grave on the 3rd of each month, or something equally odd. Stop giving them permission to be emotionally erratic toward others with no explanation whatsoever only to have character A tell character B, "Oh, his mother died in a freak accident back in 2010 and he's never really recovered from it. A year later his sister was ate up by some flesh-eating bacteria she got at summer camp."

Of course, this sort of thing might work in a comedic rendition of some reality shows I watch for pure entertainment.


The Damsel In Distress

I'm tired of distress getting rewarded just because it is the more attractive option to the male ego. What about the woman who refuses to be rescued and this causes a man to leave her side and ultimately results in his saving a bus load of children?

Yea, women understand sacrifice, too. We know other shit is going on out there other than ourselves. Some of us can save ourselves. We can also help save others as well. Go save yourself a puppy or something! Readers will LOVE you. I promise.

The Chip on the Shoulder

This dude needs to get out of his own way. Nobody likes this anymore! The bad guys are losing steam because there are too many of them. You know, the opposite of this flaw is the shy guy. I  love me a shy guy, too. Please let's do away with the wise-cracking assholes and invite the John Nash's into our stories, because you can't have enough of A Beautiful Mind.


The Jealous Woman

Jealousy has always been an ugly thing to me, especially in a woman. If you're going to make your character a jealous one, at least give them some redeeming quality like having them internalize it rather than going all out ninja on a bitch. I guess what I'm saying is that jealousy can make a character vulnerable, therefore likable, just don't let it shine in all its ugliness by having your character act upon her jealousies, because then it becomes completely unlikable.

A "like" plus an "unlike" kind of cancel each other out, so what's the point? Unless you're building a villain, in which case all out ninja would be just fine.

The Pained Drunkard/Addict

Sometimes this is done well and I feel bad for the character. Most times I think the character deserves what's coming to them. I'm unsympathetic to these characters. Yes, even though I drink beer and one might consider me an alcoholic for doing so, I still abhor such characters who cannot rise above their addictions.

I want to sympathize, but at the same time it's hard not to want to punch this character in the face and shout. Come on already! You have to get up and be at the courthouse first thing in the morning, you oaf. Put the vodka away for Christ's sake!


The "I  Lost My Entire Family" Victim

I know what it's like to lose a loved one. I lost my father in 1992, my mother in 2006, and my grandmother in 2009. Trust me, putting them all together at the same time doesn't make the pain worse; it makes you more an asshole trying to get a bigger reaction from your reader. How can it be even more painful? Kill the grandmother too!

Trust me tragedy is fine if you do it right. But, if done wrong, the author comes across as trying to make double and triple sure that the reader sympathizes with their character. The character is devastated. He didn't just lose his beloved wife. He lost his daughter, their two dogs, the cat, and their pet goldfish. How could you not feel horrible for this guy? STOP it!


The Washed Up Hero

This always happens in sequels or starts out the very first scene with the hero, washed up and ready to commit suicide. Don't worry! You'll soon find out why he was so miserable. Hello Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon. Loved the movie. Suicidal would be lost in translation in the written form, IMHO.

The visual is a different story though. The tears, red eyes, shaking hand with gun self-directed at his head. Don't do it! Aw, everything will be okay. Whatever it is bothering you, it will work out. It's the beginning of the movie and we have another hour and a half for things to get better. Plus, you're the star of this movie, so you can't die just yet. There, there, put the gun down.

The Arrogant Entrepreneur/Estate Owner

I just read a post today and found out that there is a romance novel "genre" (?) which caters to this situation. I believe it's called Regency Harlequins. I'll research it more and make an addendum here when I have the chance. But honestly, I don't see the draw to such a thing. There's nothing particularly romantic about having to deal with an estate. Been there, done it. It's a huge pain in the ass.


The Stubborn Rebel

The romance novels I've read years ago were not the same as they are today. The men in those books were men. Pure men. They were arrogant, not stubborn. They were righteous, not rebellious. They were businessmen, doctors, professors, and pilots. The romance was written for a different culture back then.

But, I've tried to read romances these days and I can't. It's too painful. The men are like boys. Stubborn, like when a mother tries to get her son to eat his veggies. Yeah, that kind of rebelliousness is not romantic to me. I want a man in this story, not a two year old. Dammit, I'm dating myself.

Are there character flaws that just don't work for you? Did I point out a character flaw here that you actually like and felt that I didn't do it the justice it deserves? Well, come yell at me about it! Or just leave a polite comment. :)






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N is for Narration

10 Signs Your Narration is Failing

1. You're writing in 1st person POV and every sentence starts with an "I" or "My".
2. There is no white space on the first page of your manuscript.
3. It takes you 3 sentences to describe what should only take you a few choice words.
4. The first page of your manuscript reminds you of the Star Wars opening crawl.
5. Your manuscript contains a mixture of past and present tense verbs...everywhere.
6. A scan for the word "that" in the first two chapters of your manuscript retrieves a count of 89. Likewise for the linking verb "was".
7. The first page of your manuscript makes you think been there, done that.
8. There exists a typographical error on the first page of your manuscript, worse...it's in the first paragraph.
9. You haven't mastered the use of there, their, and they're.
10. Your narrator herd a noise instead of heard it.

Visit my Alphabet Links:

A - B - C - D - E - F - G - H - I - J - K - L - M - N - O - P - Q - R - S - T - U - V - W - X - Y - Z

10 Profound Mistakes Made by RPG Players

Unless you've played RPGs on a regular basis, you may not have experienced all of these or any similar form, but you might agree with me, these are pretty easy circumstances in which to fall victim. Some of these are text based and the rest are from PC games. One scenario would happen in a game I develop (which hasn't happened yet, but oh well). If you're the first to guess which one, I'll send you a free copy of Snow Leopard.

1. You fire your cross bow at a huge skeleton. The arrow flies through the air and darts between the two lower bones of his rib cage, missing the skeleton entirely, and striking the wall behind it. You have no other weapons.

2. You fall down a well. The only "obvious" exit is dragon

You exit dragon

3. You cast a 30-yard range fire storm at a goblin, killing him instantly, but wasting 20 seconds of fire damage on no apparent enemies within a 30-yard radius. After the spell dies out and while it recharges (which takes another 20 seconds), twenty Whiptail Devourers spring from the soil.

4. You stumble upon a trap door. After close inspection, something tells you, it doesn't REALLY look like a trap door, does it?

You open door

5. Before going inside to negotiate with the giant Cyclops, you say to your fighter friend, "Don't worry, I have a high charisma attribute."

6. Your new friend says, "Nothing bad is going to happen. I'm friends with the DM."

You follow new friend

7. You enter into combat with a giant crocodile. It is unusual this creature hasn't gone down yet and you're about to die. You look at your weapon. It is not wielded. You are fighting with your bare hands!

8. You didn't bother to read the room description when you entered the sewer, so you are unaware of the high concentration of methane gas all around you. It is dark.

You light torch

9. In an angry tirade, you tell an Admin to go screw themselves. 

10. Every potion you'd ever had identified turned out to be a healing potion. You are bleeding, but you find yet another unidentified bottle of potion. Why pay a spell caster to identify it? It will still work without being identified.

You drink potion

*Note: Unidentified POISON will still work, too!

10 Stupid Things To Do Before The Mayapocalypse

This month's prompt at Absolute Write:
The End (of the World)

Yes, since the predicted Mayapocalypse only fails to materialize once every 500 years or so we are piggybacking on it. Write what you will about the end of the world (those disinclined to eschatology can write about "the end" in a broader sense). Hopefully, after these ends of the world as we know it, we'll all feel fine.

Here is my month's contribution. I'm going to list for you the top 10 stupid things you can do when you realize the world is ending. It's up to you, though. I've been reading people's lists, and these seem to be top items for many, but you know what? No matter how popular they are, they're still stupid. Here's why!


10. Sell your house! You can't take it with you. Though, some non-believer will be happy to buy it from you "dirt cheap".

9. Sell your car! Why not? See #10!

8. Give all your money away to charities. It's what you should have been doing all along so the government wouldn't take it away and do it for you!

7. Go on a crime spree. If the world doesn't end, and since you've sold your house, you'll at least have a home at the local prison.

6. Join a church and start prayers. God already knows you're a non-believer, so if you do this because it's the end of the world, you're just going to piss Him off.

5. Go wing suit flying! Projectiling into the side of a mountain like a bug on a windshield can't be nearly as painful as being nuked and evaporating off the face of the earth.

4. Confess your love to your crush. There's nothing like the feeling that you never had a chance, only to be struck by the knowledge that you never had a chance when she tells you she's not interested.

3. Gorge yourself, hoard all that food! Then when the world doesn't end, you can (again) blame your weight gain on something other than yourself.

2. Run naked through the streets declaring God loves everyone. What a great way to alert all those folks on crime sprees that it's open season for rape and sodomy.

1. Invest in yellow contacts and tattoo your face red with two horns on your forehead. Whether you wind up in heaven or hell, it should make for an interesting conversation with your host!



Participants and posts:

orion_mk3  (link to post)
dolores haze  (link to post)
randi.lee  (link to post)
writingismypassion  (link to post)
bmadsen  (link to post)
Ralph Pines  (link to post)
AllieKat  (link to post)
MsLaylaCakes  (link to post)
katci13  (link to post)
Angyl78  (link to post)
pyrosama  (YOU ARE HERE)
Araenvo  (link to post)
CJ Michaels  (link to post)
SuzanneSeese  (link to post)
BBBurke  (link to post)
gell214  (link to post)

SRHowen  (link to post)
meowzbark  (link to post)
Aheïla  (link to post)

My 10 Newbie Writing Experiences

I remember in my first creative writing class, my instructor told me I started my story in the wrong place. I was like, "No I didn't. It starts on page one."

Having movement on the first page means a rock skipping across the lake, a motorcycle slamming into a semi, or a cockroach skittering along the wall. Unless you're looking to attract some disturbed readers, this movement does not include a turd dropping into the toilet. 

The first time my creative writing instructor red-penned Really? on one of my papers next to something fantastical and completely unbelievable, I commented back with Yes, really! and turned it back in hoping for a better grade. I never got the paper back. 

Don't just tell me it was painful; show me how painful. This doesn't mean, "It was extremely painful."

If grammatical mistakes make you cringe when you read them in a novel, imagine how they'd make you feel when discovered during mud sex. If you don't know what that is, you are missing the key element to the reader/writer bonding experience.

I once had an instructor tell us that readers like emotional characters, so I ended up with a wimpy, whiney protagonist. I discovered much later, in this context, emotional does not mean readers want your characters to cry, moan, or shamelessly grovel. They want your characters to use their emotions to empower. Their lust will conquer the mistress, their anger will break the antagonist, and their fear will force them to face the evils which threaten to harm them or their loved ones. 

I spent years writing and hiding my work so that nobody could copy what would become my masterpieces which would earn me millions. Then I realized writers are supposed to have readers!

I found out the hard way that stream of consciousness writing exercises are not good for a person with a mind like mine and that it is always a good thing to delete your exercises when done.

There's nothing that disturbs me more than when I read my own poetry. That's why I stopped writing poetry.

"Can I send you my manuscript?" in the body of an email is not a query letter.

Those are some of my more embarrassing learning moments in my young writing career. Do you have some to share, even if they are the same and can help me feel better about my faux pas? 

My Top Ten iPhone Apps

Check it out...

I is for iPhone!

Here is my list of top ten applications I use on my iPhone. The priority is listed by how often I use the applications.

10. The Florida Bar News

This was the first and only mobile application which I helped develop. Of course it's going to be on my top ten list! I was more involved in providing the server side development rather than the GUI, but I guess being on the back end has its benefits.

9. Google Earth

It looks like Google has updated their satellite images. I was a bit surprised to see my daughter's 2010 white Mustang in our driveway rather than my old 2001 mustard green Ford ZX2 which my son totaled when I had three payments left on it.

8. Kindle

This almost came off my list of favorite applications for the iPhone when I purchased the iPad 3 and downloaded Kindle onto it. I use the iPad to read now, but I still love the application's ease of use. Even though I’m keeping it on my list, I’ve moved it in my list of priority apps.

7. Foodspotting

Who doesn't love to look at food, comment on food, and compare food findings, reviews, and popular hangouts? There's nothing like sitting down at a nice restaurant while waiting for your food to arrive. When the server places my entree in front of me, I break out the iPhone, fire up Foodspotting, and snap my photo. Gotta share it with the world, right? Hahah, the annoyance! Okay, I don't use it much, just when I remember I have it on my iPhone and food is placed before me for consumption. It doesn't happen often or I’d be 200 lbs.

6. Merriam Webster

This dictionary app is my trusted companion when I'm not at my computer writing. Otherwise, I have easy access to Dictionary.com. This application allows you to search for your word, produces a list from which to choose, and displays your word with an audio option so you can hear the pronunciation of your word. You can also speak your word into the microphone and the application will search for your word.

5. My Weather

With this application, you can configure several different locations and get the current weather conditions, an hour by hour reading, or a 10-day forecast. Severe weather alerts can be configured and maps display the current conditions all around you.

4. Family Feud & Friends

Who doesn't like Family Feud? This is the closest simulation I've ever experienced. The only thing missing is the social aspect of the game. You know, the Richard Dawson kisses or the Steve Harvey jokes and funny expressions. Still, the fast money round is addicting. It’s the sound effects when you get points. The top five answers are…on the board!

3. Wells Fargo Online Banking

This application is in the top three because I use it on a daily basis. My husband and I move money around between six different accounts and it comes in so handy. I haven't been inside a bank in a very long time. I haven't been to an ATM machine in years. I can pay bills, transfer money, stop payments, and check my balance at the touch of a screen. How awesome is that?

 2. Statcounter

This application feeds my OCD. It's not an iPhone app, more of a browser driven simulator. I can check the statistics on all of my configured sites. Hourly, daily, monthly, and annual statistics tell me how my sites are operating. I can tell which sites are worth keeping up and which I can ignore. I never ignore the busiest sites. I like to see the numbers climb, but more importantly, I like to see why they climb or why they do not. Statcounter is free, but when you start to reach the 50,000 page load statistic, it's time to make the investment and upgrade.

1. Five Differences

My OCD has its ups and downs. Up is why I have Statcounter. So, what do I do to bring myself down and focus so that my OCD can be utilized to my best interest? Five Differences is a great tool to use for this. You are presented with two seemingly identical pictures. You have a set amount of time to discover five differences in the two pictures. It takes a great deal of concentration to do this because the pictures must display on the iPhone screen, so they are small. But it is not impossible, more of a challenge.

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AND NOW (You're probably wondering why I have no pictures to share)

This is why Wells Fargo might become the #1 mobile app on my list. There's nothing like feeling connected to your children, even after they've moved out. 

What applications do you have on your smartphone? Which do you use relentlessly? This is not limited to iPhones and iPads. I’d like to know what’s out there for other smartphones as well. Who knows, I might want to switch when my contract is up!

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10 Lousy Story Starts

by Diane Carlisle

When I’m browsing a book shelf for something to read, I typically just reach for anything and read the first page and if it doesn’t hook me right away, I might go to the second page or even to the third page. However, there are a few things that if encountered on the first page, I’m most likely going to close the book with a sideways glance and my nose up in the air. Bad, huh? I know. Here are those things that make me drop a book faster than Obama spending our tax dollars.

1. Please don’t start your novel with a weather report. You know what I mean. “It was a cold, dark night and the rain blasted the windshield like a windstorm in a desert.” This is the modern day version of “Once upon a time…”

2. I don’t like to read a first paragraph that starts with a character driving in a car, traveling somewhere. Why? Because it’s boring. You’re just writing what ten thousand people before you wrote only trying it with an arrangement of different words. It’s painful to read. Readers skip this stuff anyway, so why waste your time writing it? Instead of reading the words, your reader hears a song playing in their head, “I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places…”

3. How many books must I read which start off with a character waking to an alarm clock or coming home to listen to an answering machine? And that phone call in the middle of the night? That’s not what Christopher Vogler refers to as the “Call to Adventure”. This is just another way for a writer to “start” putting words onto the page. When you get into the groove of writing your novel, please go back and delete this first scene. It’s been done. Over. And over. And over, again.

4. If you’re writing a mystery novel, please don’t introduce a nanny or butler. I will automatically assume they did it and not read the rest of the book. As a matter of fact, if I read the back cover of a mystery novel and it mentions castle, mansion or lost key, I won’t read it.

5. If you’re writing a romance novel, please don’t mention children unless they were killed off along with the ex-wife in a horrible accident years ago, leaving this gorgeous, wealthy, pain-stricken man, with a void in which only the virginal heroine can fill. Is that mean? Probably, but in reality, children and exs are huge in the baggage department.

6. If I read one more horror novel depicting a painting on the wall in which the eyes in the painting follow you and suddenly look away when you peer back, I will scream. And not from the horror of it either. Even the phone call which quietly yet urgently reveals the killer is in the house hasn’t been played out this much.

7. Breakfast in the morning with kids getting ready for school and a husband stuffing toast in his mouth while attempting to dress himself… is not a good story beginning. Why? Who am I to say it’s not a good story beginning? I’m a reader. Trust me, it sucks.

8. If I read more than one ‘ ly ’ adverb in the first paragraph of a novel, it gets put down automatically. This is a no-no. “The Baroness slipped gingerly from the satin covers and stretched effortlessly before promptly placing her feet into her slippers and daintily waltzing out onto the veranda.” Okay, that sucks, even without the adverbs. But, I think the point is made.

9. Don’t start your story with your main character taking a stroll through their house and garden. This is where the writer describes everything down to the detail, from the embroidered tapestry and cherry wood stained crown molding, to the French doors leading toward the rock garden and a ten by ten gazebo framed by white azalea bushes. Not necessary! This is where your character lives, day in and day out, right? Trust me, they’ve seen it before. Writers who do this are doing it for the pleasure of the reader. I get that. But it doesn’t add to the plot and it’s not really character development. Okay, so maybe the writer wants to show the character’s background, maybe give hints to the character’s class? She drives a Lexus; let’s move on. See what I mean?

10. If you’re writing in first person point of view, please don’t start with a physical description while your character is gazing at her reflection in the mirror. This is so jarring. In reality, do you think I’d actually walk up to someone and introduce myself like so, “Hi, my name is Diane Carlisle. I have brown hair, brown eyes and a slim figure. My hair is straight and I have a great smile.” I’d get some strange looks, wouldn’t I? Maybe after a short pause, “Why…of course you are! And, of course you do!” They’d walk away knowing I’m just a special person who rode the short bus.


So, your turn! What makes you put down a book before you even finish the first page?

My Top 10 Pet Peeves of the Romance Novel

I am not picking on romance writers. I’m picking out some elements of romance novels that bother me, especially when they are over done or poorly written. So, here are my top 10 pet peeves on the romance novels that I’ve read throughout the years. Don’t worry, mystery/suspense novels, you’re next!

1. His eyes danced across her bosom

Really? Aside from the fact that eyeballs do not have arms and legs and therefore cannot possibly dance anywhere, let alone atop her voluminous breasts, this just grates on my nerves. I want to pluck those pesky eyeballs from her chest and hoist them back into their sockets.

2. Kissing and flirting for increased sexual tension

When a story is already classified as a romance, there’s no question that there will exist a sexual tension of sorts between the hero and heroine. But don’t ruin it with the occasional stolen kiss or less than climactic romp in the hay throughout the storyline. It’s not necessary and it makes the consummation less meaningful and intense. When he finally “takes her” it should be all the way or nothing. Wait, that’s too much like real life chemistry.

3. The sardonic smile

Seriously, what does this look like? Does one side of his lip go up in a quirk and the other in a half-ass smile? Awkward, isn't it? Why doesn't he just smile after making a satirical remark? Is that too difficult to put down on paper?

4. His smile reached his eyes.

Don't you picture a set of stretched lips popping out from behind the eyes, gasping for breath after having climbed some mysterious set of stairs in order to get there?

5. The seduction by the virginal heroine, while the hero watches with obvious amusement

This is painful to read. This doesn't happen in reality. No matter how clumsy a beautiful, young woman's attempt at seduction, no male object of her affection is going to be watching with amusement. He will be involved from the beginning when she asks, "Would you like to come in for a drink?" This is not amusing to any man; this is serious business. Anything a woman does from this point on deserves his full attention, seriously.

6. Aftermath of the lust-filled evening

Why does the guy always get up first, leaving the woman to awaken, alone, cheeks burning as she reflects upon her behavior from the previous evening? Instead, I want to see her walk in when he wakes up. I want her to be fully clothed and in control. She drops a few photos on the bed and says, "My real name is Isabelle Gonzales and I'm a spy. I've been following your involvement with Cicero, Inc. We'll need to clear a few things up before breakfast." Exit heroine, wearing 4 inch stilettos and an Armani suit. But hey, that's just me.

7. Enter femme fatale

Why are they always a mirror image of the bitchiest girl in high school? A woman doesn't have to be a complete bitch to make another woman feel insecure. I'd like to read some fresh material on this element of romance. The femme fatale is over played and certainly under appreciated by me.

8. Good looking millionaires thinking that a woman is after his money

Right, because he certainly doesn’t have anything else going for him. Perfect teeth, brilliant smile, confidence, strength and a great command over the people around him -- no, that's not attractive at all. It's definitely his money she's after. Nothing like ruining a perfectly wonderful hero by making him a dumbass on top of all his greatness.

9. The big misunderstanding

Every romance has one. The perceived socialite is discovered to be a virgin. The hermit lumber jack turns out to be the CEO of a multi-million dollar company. Ta da! Surprise! Really?

10. Wrapping it all up

The ending of a romance is always the boring part to me. All the mysterious things going on have to be wrapped up by the author in such a way that you will understand why something happened that probably shouldn't have happened without explanation. This is also the part where the man gets mushy and drops the facade of being the strong, wealthy, confident man with whom she fell in love. He's become a wallowing wimp and she cries tears of joy over his professed love for her.

The End