12 September 2012

F Is For Food Network

Food Network, what would I do without you and why are you so addicting? I needed to take a break from writing about writing, so I’m writing about the chunk of time that I waste on my 2nd favorite thing, the Food Network.

Seriously, aside from Fox News, it’s the only channel I watch anymore. After my daughter moved out, I had to contact Comcast and turn in a bunch of equipment and downgrade my plan. Why should I pay all that money when I only watch two channels? I don’t even watch The Weather Channel anymore because I have an app for that on my iPhone.

What I watch on The Food Network

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives – Guy Fiere makes all the food look so tasty and inviting. With a pause, he holds up a freshly baked, broiled, or fried food concoction while looking at the camera. Eat it already! You know when he really likes something. The chef gets a couple of grunts and a fist bump. I think I know when he doesn’t really like something. He’ll make noises while eating, but then he’ll go and describe stuff like “crunch” and “kick” and “depth” – but, no fist bump. He could probably make a shit sandwich look good. He might say it had some “kick” and “depth” but probably not so much crunch.

Chopped – What do I love most about this show? The judges! They remind me of my boss from The City of Albany, GA. I had done something not so conventional and I remember trying to explain what I had been trying to do. She looked at me over the rim of her reading glasses. I felt very small because a lot of money was invested in the project – my time, months of work, etc. I understand better today. I also laugh at these judges. They’re so serious. It’s food!! You eat it, your body digests it, and then it comes back out. It’s all recyclable in a 24 hour period. Stop being such snobs. These chefs have passion for what they do. Chill, okay?

The Best Thing I Ever Ate – This is a fun show because you get to listen to all your favorite celebrity chefs talk about the foods they love that someone else made. Finally, right? We watch a whole week of you guys cooking and celebrating what YOU created. Yes, it looks great. We trust you when you sample a morsel and tell us how good it is. But, it’s refreshing to listen to your praises while celebrating someone else’s creation every now and again.

What I don’t watch

Cupcake Wars – I do get it. I understand what’s going on in this show. It’s a great concept. I can’t help but wonder why the judges aren’t fat. As much as they love cupcakes, you’d think they would be huge. Plus, I don’t like the French judge’s voice; it’s annoying. Zees cupcait eez lacking za vaneela I wuz expecting. It’s a cupcake! I can’t tell you the difference between any two cupcakes other than color and the decoration on top. A cupcake is a cupcake is a cupcake!

Sweet GeniusThe host and judge of this show is creepy. The way they switch up the competition with inspirational additions is creepy. The show is just down right creepy. When the host announces a new additional ingredient, the camera captures his excitement, eyes bright, fingertips pressed together like he is waiting for his evil plan to unfold. I could write a suspense thriller spin off from this show. The antagonist is a secret. I bet you can’t guess who I have in mind.

Do you watch The Food Network? If so, which shows do you watch and which ones do you not watch and why? Are there better shows or worse shows on this channel?

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