Why Paper Beats Rock

I had a discussion with a colleague at work several years ago. We were discussing the logic of Rock, Paper, Scissors. He later wrote an email describing his thoughts behind the Paper/Rock dynamic.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the heck cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class?

I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you. --Joel

Being the creative person that I am, I felt that I should respond in the only way I knew how and that was to write him a poem explaining why it is so, that the Paper is superior to the Rock.

A rock finds a balled up piece of paper and unravels it. It finds eloquently written prose that it cannot read:

On this median I do write
A tale of sorrow, not of spite
For in it lies a morbid gift
Of truth to those who find a rift

You cannot win this game of wit
You are a rock you will admit
A poor, existing chunk of fissured land
I grant to you a helping hand

Far superior am I to thee
There is no comparison you see
I concede to you, my jaw you may sock
But the fact remains, you're a fucking rock