03 March 2013

M is for a Manuscript Snippet

I had a hard time coming up with a topic for the letter M, so I thought I'd share some of my work with you instead. I feel like I'm always sharing things I learn from various workshops and online writing courses, but I don't really share much of what I've been working on in the realm of fiction writing.

Here's a snippet from chapter eight of my current WIP, Precinct 9.



Lyle snapped a photo of the wound against a retractable tape measure.
Kelly quickly wrote down the findings. The mixture in the air of death and ammonia invaded suddenly. She un-wrapped her Peppermint gum and folded it into her mouth. 
The doctor covered the top portion of the subject’s body and lifted the bottom of the tarp. The subject’s legs, placed at an angle 20 degrees from one another, exposed the horror of what had happened to Jennifer Whorley. Kelly looked away, but the rips and lacerations on the young woman’s body would remain with her forever. Corpse. It’s a corpse. She straightened her shoulders and looked back at the injuries. 
Lyle made his way to the other side of the table. His unaffected, emotionless expression and his professional demeanor made him a monster for the moment and Kelly felt tears but forced them away. Is this what she’d become? 
Dr. Stinson paused. “The tissue in the walls of the vaginal canal and the tears and lacerations to the Labias Minora and Majora are indicative of violation after the onset of rigor mortis.”
The nausea in the pit of Kelly’s stomach spread quickly and a slow, warming prickle crept up her spine.
Again, the camera. Flash.
Who does this? Who takes someone away from this world and then violates their body like this? How does one explain this to a parent?

Flash.
The numbness in her heart seemed to create a warp speed for the rest of the autopsy - the various swabs, bone fragment extractions, organ slicing, and cut up parts placed discreetly into a plastic trash bag and dumped into the victim's gaping body cavity.
Kelly excused herself when the doctor pulled out a Hagedorn needle and heavy twine. There would be nothing to gain by witnessing the sewing of the body. Not after the damage had been done.

Would you want to read more of this manuscript? Let me know why or why not.


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22 comments:

  1. Yes I would! I love crime fiction, and this excerpt is really nice.

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    1. That's good to know! I was sweating the sharing of it, but I had to ask the question at the end, which I was sweating more. lol

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    2. I have the same feeling every time I share a piece of my work. It's always exciting.

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  2. Love what you came up with for 'M' and enjoyed the post.

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    1. Thanks for the feedback! I've discovered the secret to motivating myself to write the next chapter, and that is to share a little bit of what I already have. The feedback is much appreciated.

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  3. I can identify with Kelly, and not just because I have the same name. I wouldn't want to witnessed a body being sewn either!

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    1. I had to watch a drowned body being prepared for flight to another city once. I was horrified.

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  4. Diane-- the line "Is that what she'd become?" is such a simple one...but I found it so incredibly powerful for your character and showed so much about her and her personality.

    This is a very well written piece! There's a distinct quality to your voice--it holds a sort of 'even tempo' that keeps your working flowing and propelling forward. I especially enjoyed the imagery, which was not only unique (you, know, none of that "he sighed sadly" "she cried sadly" "he nodded sadly" "she huffed sadly")but placed me right into the moment with your characters.

    This is very intriguing and grips me from the beginning. I'd love to read more!!!

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    1. Thanks, randi! When I finally finish, I may have to enlist you as my beta reader. :D

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  5. That was awesome! I so want to read more.

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    1. And that means a lot coming from my more sinister-loving blogging colleagues. :)

      Thank you!

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  6. Honestly Diane, I would if I liked gruesome tales--which by the way you are a master of....I think you will be a screenwriter for Hollywood if you aren't already.

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    1. Wow, thank you Eve! Definitely a gruesome tale and not for everyone. I'm going to try and tackle a romance next. ;)

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  7. First of all, I think this scene was well written. I would enjoy reading more. Then again, this the genre of books I tend to read anyway. I love mysteries and enjoy the forensic ones very much.

    I imagine some people might struggle with the details, but they are necessary in the kind of book you're writing. If the story is good, I don't dwell on the graphic stuff...it simply lets me understand the character investigating the crime.

    Two small things stood out: The use of the words "subject's legs" seemed almost too cold, given she names the woman right after that. I realize it shows Kelly's need for distance, but you remind me of that in the next part where she says "Corpse. It's just a corpse."

    The other item confused me: "Lyle made his way to the other side of the table. His unaffected, emotionless expression and his professional demeanor made him a monster for the moment..." I didn't understand why he was the "monster of the moment." He seemed professional to me...is this something related to another part of the story?

    It's hard when I read just one scene of a story because I really don't know the characters well enough to understand how their actions fit in the storyline. Take this into account with my feedback.

    Overall, it sounds just like a book I would pick to read:~)

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    1. Thank you so much, Sara. I use this sort of feedback while editing. Both points you make are sound and I would definitely address them. I too felt a little uncomfortable with "subject's legs" and will be rewording in my revision.

      Lyle will eventually become an antagonist, so Kelly's observations of him are merely foreshadowing at the moment. I think I should just describe his demeanor and not refer to him as a monster (just yet). You've brought something to my attention. I am jumping ahead of myself here.

      Thanks so much for your detailed observations. They are much appreciated! :)

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  8. Wow, very vivid and strong writing! Totally instills the real gut-wrenching of watching an autopsy!

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    1. Thanks! My husband encouraged me to introduce the camera's flash. I didn't originally have it in there, but I like that part the most.

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  9. It gets into her head, even with the details, which are essential for the moment. And given her reaction, it establishes her to us as a righteous cop. I'd keep reading!

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    1. Okay! When I finish it (might be 10 years), I'll hold you to it. :D

      I really am striving to finish this one. Thank you for the feedback.

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  10. This is fresh and grabs me! I like it! Thanks for your comment on my guest post over at Carissa Taylor's blog about YA romance.

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    1. Thanks Jessie. Ah yes, to romance or not to romance. Thanks for your feedback!

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I welcome feedback, so please leave your thoughts.

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