28 December 2011

Why Guys Really Are From Mars

by Diane Carlisle

Going on 25 years of marriage, I was thinking back to the times before we were married and it made me wonder why I considered marriage at such a young age. Not only was my husband the same handsome man he is today, but he was a miracle after having endured a few years dealing with men who really were from Mars. How did he approach me and ask me out?

"What time do you get off work?"

"Two o'clock."

"Can I buy you breakfast?"

"I'd like that."

I found out later that he needed to be up at 6:00 in the morning to make it into work on time. I didn’t learn about that during the date; it was much later into our relationship, when he was comfortable enough that I would realize it didn’t matter.

See how simple that was? There's nothing fake, no non-sense, and none of this hidden agenda and side stepping. There were just a few simple questions and a little bit of confidence and genuine feeling. That's all it took.

However, before my lovely husband came along and swept me up with his no non-sense swag, there were 5 truly remarkable approaches made toward me that deserved a rejection. I wasn't really equipped at the time to respond to these really bizarre approaches, but I can respond to them today. Here they are. Each approach now has a title and my official answer!

The Jail Bait

"My ex-girlfriend works at the Foxy Lady. Will you go there with me tonight so I can make her jealous?"

Um, sure. I always wanted to go to a strip club and get beat up by an angry, naked girl and end up in jail for sexual assault because I accidentally touched her boob while defending myself.

The Little Black Book

"Can I get your phone number in case I want to ask you out sometime?"

The priorities are all wrong here. Ask me out on a date first, then get the phone number. Okay?

The Fan Club

Rolling a joint, "Some friends and I are hanging out at the Mullet Festival this weekend. Want to tag along?"

The Mullet Festival is not a stage, you are not a rock star and I am not your groupie.

The Look At Me Now

He gloriously fans out 10 twenty dollar bills and says, "Would you sleep with me now?"

You had a better chance before.

The Self Fullfilling Prophecy

"I was going to ask you out, but you're not really my type."

I was going to say no, but you never really asked me out.

There was a Dilbert cartoon that came out this week featuring “The Topper”. In the name of my favorite cartoon, can any of you top these? Please tell me your story and give me your answers you weren’t able to provide in the heat of the moment!


  1. LOL!! omg.. I LOVE the The Self Fulfilling Prophecy and The Jail Bait.. haha!!

    this guy used to come in a 7-11 I worked at when i was like 24. One day I am ringing him up and he says, "you know, you're pretty. You'd be a knock out with bigger boobs." After a long awkward pause, "Wanna go out?"

    I threw his hotdog at him and told him I would go out with him when he got a new brain.

    He never came back!

  2. That is freaking hilarious! I was getting ready to call it a night and saw your comment. Now I'm probably going to stop at the Circle K in the morning and buy one of those 2 for 1 hot dogs they have going on and think of your experience! :) Thank you!

  3. Diane, I loved these. Soooo funny!Thanks for the smiles!

  4. haha! The Foxy Lady always scared me . But I have been inside the Driftwood Lounge! and I must confess I have never been to the Mullet Festival. Can't think of any awful pick up lines right now, maybe I blocked them from my memory...

  5. Tim and I go to the Driftwood now and again when we visit Jacksonville. We've been to Toby's too. Interesting places in a military town. :)

    We don't have strip clubs in Tallahassee.

  6. These are all great pick-up lines. I'm not sure why the invitation to Mullet Festival didn't win a date.

    Also, didn't the guy in "Look At Me Now" get a DUI on a riding lawn mower?

  7. Yes, Tim! The one who got thrown out of the Army and he called his dad complaining, "I was trying to be all I can be."


    I just don't get it.

  8. The beauty of hindsight, especially of 25+ years. We grow more witty with age.

    I once went out with this man who asked me to dinner. He bought dinner alright, for himself and didn't even offer a cup of tea to me. Then when I told him I'm a vegetarian he said that he could never follow a vegetarian diet because he was allergic to green beans. Uh-huh.

  9. LOL, Moon Child!

    "I can't eat chocolate, because I'm allergic to the peanut butter in peanut butter cups."

    "Yes, um, I'll have the 8 oz. top sirloin, cooked medium with a side salad and baked potato, butter only. She'll be having the bill. Thank you."


    Painful memories, but oh so funny today!

  10. I have an experience that comes to mind. I was working at a gas station at the time, and it went like this:

    Three guys walked in. One asked me, "You want to go to a party with us tonight?"

    "I don't know. My husband might not like that."

    "I don't see a ring." I showed him my ring and he said, "That's not a wedding ring." Apparently he thought my 1/4ct diamond ring was too small.

    Then: "Well your husband can come to."

    Really? He dissed my ring and then invited my husband. It was very bizarre!

  11. Thaaaaaat's kinda creepy there, Charity.

  12. LOve this!! You made me laugh out loud!

  13. Glad you got some comic relief, Christy! :) I aim to please and I don't mind if you all share my links! Teehee!

  14. At the end of a singles dance, my partner told me "You know and I know what you're here for, so let's leave here and go to my place."

    Another guy took me out, bought me a steak dinner, then parked under a street light in the middle of town. He asked, "Well?" and when I asked "Well, what?" he answered, "Why do you think I drove all the way out to your place and bought you a steak dinner?" I inadvertently gave him the perfect answer. I told him to take me home and I'd pay him for the dinner. When we got to my house the lights were still on. I never had any money, so I told him, "Wait here. I'll go in and get the money from my father." When we came out, he was gone.

    1. That 2nd scenario sounds just like something my daughter would do. lol


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