16 November 2014

The 5 Office Villains

When I think about the villains I'd like to develop, I imagine those people I've known in the past who annoyed the hell out of me. Is it a great way to get sued? I don't think so, because these folks are everywhere, and it's kind of hard to pinpoint oneself when you aren't even aware that you have these annoying qualities.

My favorite villains are those driven by insecurities rather than the goals and objectives they set, unlike evil lords and emperors, who basically have no weaknesses. Those archetypes either want to destroy the world or own it. That's boring. It's more fun to watch the amateurs! :)

The Identity Thief

This is the person who wants to be you. They love everything about you, but won't admit it. They want your money, your looks, and your brains. Why? How the hell else are they going to be like you without stealing your identity? It's not like they can work for it themselves, lazy bums.

At the end of my story, this person would unknowingly steal the identity of a convicted child molester who violated probation for failure to register as a known sex offender. That'll teach them. =)

The Ignorant Narc

She's in everyone's business and thinks nobody knows she secretly envies everyone who has anything she doesn't, which is basically a lot to make up for. She has nothing going on in her life, so she reports on everything going on in your life, in your friend's life, in your dog's life, and essentially anything else she can make up. Little does she know, the person to whom she's reporting these things also thinks she's a loser.

It's hard not to feel sorry for this character, so in order to avoid making her a sympathetic character, she cannot EVER feel loneliness or self-pity. Keep the evil intact and do not give her any redeeming qualities.

The Immoral Whore

You know this person as the one who is sleeping with the boss to get ahead. He thinks everything is discreet as he slips into the big cheese's office to get a little quickie. He comes out adjusting his tie and gives his colleagues a little wink before heading back to his office.

He takes long lunches with the boss, they wait on each other before heading over to the "big" morning meeting, and they laugh and joke, coffee in hand, on the way back from the "big" meeting. He eventually gets fired for under performance, but we saw that coming, didn't we?

The Dastardly Moron

This one likes to be the smart guy who knows everything about anything, but nobody's allowed to actually SEE any of this knowledge in any sort of product he has created. You only get to hear him talk about his prowess, but you never see the results of anything he's ever accomplished.

Don't disturb him, either. He's BUSY! The boss is convinced this guy is a genius and now our superstar is trying to figure things out, all on his own, before he's found to be an utter moron. All the while he's screwing up all those things you will eventually have to fix once he's fired.

The Yes Man

Tim says I must absolutely list the "Yes" man. But I'll stop picking on the guys so much, so this next one will have to be the "Yes" woman. You know her as that person who agrees wholeheartedly with the new boss every chance she gets, no matter the utter moronic decisions executed.

The new boss says, "I think [Dastardly Moron] is doing an outstanding job. I think I want to promote him to management."

[Yes Woman] says, "Oh I AGREE with you! [Dastardly Moron] would make an excellent addition to the management team. Great call, boss! When I first met you, I just knew you would take charge and come in and get shit done around here. Are those new shoes? Those look like a pair I have at home. I do admire your taste."

Now, get back to work. But, share this first. We need to spread the word about this untapped resource of readily available villains.

Which of these would you vote as most annoying?

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