11 January 2012

5 Stupid New Year Resolutions

by Diane Carlisle

Winter Nightmare

Another broad blog chain at Absolute Write: go wherever the prompt takes you. It can be fiction or non-fiction, the nightmare can be Cthulhu or just a struggle with a troublesome New Year's resolution (or anything in between).

I’m going with something in between, like telling you about some really stupid ideas for New Year’s resolutions. Here they are and the reasons I think they are stupid.

1. I’m going to quit smoking – Really? You can imagine this going down like so. You’re partying all night. It chimes midnight. The ball drops in Times Square. Everyone sings Auld Lang Sine as you down what’s left in your plastic champagne glass. You stumble out onto the balcony to light up a cigarette in the cold, night air. You’ve just broken your New Year resolution. Congratulations.

2. I’m going to start a new diet – This one is really stupid. I don’t know about you, but every New Year’s Day my family traditionally cooks an amazing spread with glazed ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, mac and cheese (with extra cheese), corn bread, black eyed peas and green beans, cooked slow with bacon or a smoked ham hock. If you start your diet on this day, you’ll only resent your New Year’s resolution. Defeated and miserable, you’ll shovel your face with food and instantly wish you hadn’t. Ashamedly, you will discover that you gained another 3 pounds before you even started that diet.

3. I’m going to quit drinking – Right, because when you wake up with your hangover in the morning, you’ll wish you had a bite of the dog that bit you the previous evening. You pour a shot the next morning to take the edge off. We’ve all done it. Oh well, maybe next year, because your buddy has a party tonight and the hot twins from Waverly are invited. Seriously, there’s no need to quit drinking unless you have a drinking problem, in which case, the resolution should be “Start AA”.

4. I’m going to join the gym – First of all, if you weren’t already exercising before, joining a gym isn’t going to motivate you to do so in the New Year. You’ll just commit yourself to a yearlong hassle of trying to get your money back and threatening law suits because the gym won’t stop charging your credit card for monthly fees or they refuse to refund your prepaid membership.

5. I’m going to quit swearing like a sailor – This is moronic. As soon as you wake up in the morning from a night of ringing in the New Year, your head is pounding, your heart is racing and you can’t find the bottle of aspirin. With one eye closed, shutting out the light, and the other half-open to find your way, you stub your pinky toe on the corner of the dresser, “Fuck!” Oops, you just broke your New Year resolution, “Damnit!”

Anyway, that’s my January blog chain entry. Please visit these other participating blogs:

orion_mk3 (link to this month's post)
MamaStrong (link to this month's post)
pyrosama YOU ARE HERE
Turndog-Millionaire (link to this month's post)
Alpha Echo (link to this month's post)
LilGreenBookworm (link to this month's post)
Domoviye (link to this month's post)
writingismypassion (link to this month's post)
kimberlycreates (link to this month's post)
Suzanne Seese (link to this month's post)
Diana Rajchel (link to this month's post)
Ralph Pines (link to this month's post)
Alynza (link to this month's post)
Literateparakeet (link to this month's post)
in_one (link to this month's post)
Tomspy77 (link to this month's post)
Inkstrokes (link to this month's post)
kiwiviktor81 (link to this month's post)
These Mean Streets (link to this month's post)
areteus (link to this month's post)
AbielleRose (link to this month's post)


  1. Ha so very true. You can't beat a good old cliche

    Resolutions are things to avoid i feel, i prefer to create some aims for the year, things to strive for rather than quit or start something in January

    Nicely done

    Matt (Turndog Millionaire)

  2. Thanks Matt! I feel like I could have come up with more than 5. I'm like you, I'd rather just think of objectives or things I want to accomplish, not quit or start with no real goal. :)

  3. I gave up on New Year's resolutions many years ago. It's much easy to have Past Year's regrets. lol.

  4. 6. Cut down on my number of regrets.


  5. Diane thanks for making me swear, whoops I mean smile about how I have probably broken every one of these resolutions one year or another.

  6. I was guilty of #4 just last year. It's the only reason why I included it, Desert. :D

  7. Hilarious and yet, a thoughtful post on New Year's resolutions. I have none. I'm not a big fan of disappointment.

  8. I agree. These are all really bad resolutions. No one sticks to them.

  9. I always give up swearing until I get in the car. Some people should make a New Years resolution to stop driving like idiots. Uhh, that's another one for your list, once an idiot......

  10. Would you believe that "starting a blog and posting every day" was my 2010 resolution? I've actually managed to keep that one!

  11. I'm glad I have those of you who agree. I thought I'd get more people going, "Hey, wait a minute there!" :D

    I don't think I could post everyday, I would be exhausted! But congratulations for keeping one.

  12. LOL, I don't do New Year's Resolutions either, unless they are about writing or knitting. ;)

  13. I almost went with "will finally write the entire draft of my first novel" and decided that I wasn't ready for another failure. :D

    Loving the support from my writer friends.

  14. I made some resolutions but ones that are manageable. I resolved to not eat fast food. It's killing me but so far I'm doing it. However, you're right...it is dumb to "start a new diet", I can't live without eating, and eating well.

    I don't smoke anyway, so yeah.

    I don't drink, though sometimes being a mother makes me want to hole myself in the bathroom and down a bottle of Jack...but, I only have wine on special occasions, and I will never resolve to not doing that.

    So in turn, I agree with you...those are dumb :)

  15. A resolution turns something fun into a chore. Just do it, forget the resolution, right?
    Love the one about cursing!

  16. I don't think I've ever once kept a resolution. And I'm ok with that. :D Loved the post, really cracked me up!

  17. Thanks all, I'm really enjoying the different themes on the blog chains. They are such an inspiration to keep writing.

  18. Haha! Nice post. I made my last New Year's Resolution a few years ago...and stuck to it!!

    My resolution was to NEVER make another New Year's Resolution ever again. :)

  19. Can I eat with your family on New Year's Day. All that food sounds delicious!

  20. Thanks Kimberly. Glad you could stop by! :)

  21. Haha. I liked that because it was unique! I have to say, some of my resolutions I started before NY, and I did NOT start my quitting smoking one until AFTER NYE!

  22. April, I quit smoking after the New Year too. It's just really hard to give up when everyone around you is partying and letting loose. :)

  23. I should have added over 12 years ago.

  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

  25. Love the snark! Nice twist to the assignment.

    I can tell you how many times I've joined the Gym only to be dissillusioned with the whole process. It wasn't for my lack of trying, though.

  26. Thanks for stopping by Doc. Snark, I like! lol

  27. Nice. I think I make the same resolutions every year. Great addition to the chain!

  28. We all make the same ones, at least most of us do. It's why they make lists I think! lol

  29. LOL! This is hilarious, and so on for so many. I've opted to make more of a to-do list than a resolution list. On this list this year: "Stop torturing myself unnecessarily!"

  30. I can live with swearing and drinking, but man is quitting smoking hard to do. Glad you made it the No. 1 resolution. I'm still working on that.

    I found this piece quite funny and worldly. It was clearly written by someone who had been there, and I could relate to the hangover on New Year's Day passage.

  31. I've never been one to make resolutions, but I've promised myself just about all of those things at one time or another - so I can totally relate. :D

    Well done on the prompt. :)

  32. Thanks Diana, Kiwi and Bill. I've done them all and the only one that I've tackled successfully is the smoking (12 years!)

    Thanks for stopping by to visit.


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