20 February 2012

February Blog Chain - Second Chances

by Diane Carlisle

The February prompt for the AbsoluteWrite.com blog chain is about second chances. My story is a true one and I thank God every day that I’m here to tell it because in the beginning, before I was even born, I was given a second chance. I hope this doesn’t offend anyone, and the fact that I write this with a light heart is proof enough that I hold no ill feelings toward anyone, including my mom. I love you, mom!

What's a girl to do when told she was almost aborted? I think it was mom’s way of telling me that
she was proud of my accomplishments. Maybe it's the only way she knew how to say it. My accomplishments never really meant anything to anyone because everything I’d accomplished, from bottle weaning to potty training to graduation from high school (wait, I dropped out in the 12th grade), had already been done by my sister who happens to be eleven months older.

So, when it was my turn for accolades after having graduated college? I got the "I'm so happy I didn't go through with that abortion" story. Mom had said she was stunned when the doctor told her she was pregnant two months after she’d had my sister. My future parents were poor at the time and couldn't afford an abortion. So, while they saved up the money, I continued to grow inside her womb.

When they finally had enough to pay for the abortion, mom had felt me kick and decided she couldn't go through with it. Good thing I kicked her when I did. The hell was she thinking anyway?

"Something just told me I shouldn't be doing this," she had said. Yeah, that something was me, telepathically slapping the shit out of you. I didn't actually say that; it's what I felt like saying.

Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother and bless her she is not with us today, but there are just some things you keep to yourself. The fact that she wanted to abort me was her own business, you know? I know her intention was to praise me. Though, I wish it had come out something like, "I'm so proud of you for putting yourself through college. I always knew you were smart." I don’t know, to me it just sounds better.

I wanted to tell her she didn't do me any favors. I was the one who fought to be here. It was my spirit that got me here, despite all the evil contemplations to abort me. I'm not even going to use that word to sugar coat it. She wanted to kill me! She wanted to get rid of that thing she’d created because it would have complicated her life by essentially blessing her with two babies in diapers. I’m glad she discovered it wasn’t that much more work having me tag along.

This was something I really would rather have not known. What was my response supposed to be anyway? Was I supposed to thank her for not killing me so that I would have the opportunity to put myself through college and make something of this life that she’d given me? Had she not divulged this information, everything would be fine, because I'd be thanking her for giving me life rather than thanking God that I kicked her ass when I did.

My mother is not turning over in her grave with this post. She is rather laughing her ass off, knowing I can find humor in such a painful memory. I'm taking advantage of this second chance. I won't let you down, mom!




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