I need to get these things off my chest because they're disturbing, these things which come to mind while I'm cooking.
I think the same thing every time I poke egg yolks in a bowl and start whisking away at them with a fork. Drowning eyeballs blink back at me and brains scatter about the bowl screaming, "Noooo, please....!" And you know those bubbles that form when you've whisked away fast and furious? They balloon up and pop like in a cauldron of some witch's brew.
|Seriously, this is what I see.|
It's even more fascinating when you dump the mixture into a skillet waiting with a thin layer of piping hot oil. The fizzing and hissing, along with the bubbling, inspire me to write something horrific. It's excitingly violent.
I like the yeast dough, that stuff you have to let sit a while so that it puffs up nice and airy. I never understood all that making it bigger and airy. Aren't you just smashing out all that air when you punch and roll the dough? Duh.
|Can you imagine |
how this might end up if dough could punch back?
I don't do a lot of baking. Much of this I witness on the Food Network. Every time I see this rolling of dough, I get a sudden urge to write about my last mammogram experience. The mammogram is no joke. Get one every year if you can. Just don't look up into the mirror while your boob is smashed down to an eighth of an inch between two Plexiglass plates. You'll never look at rolling dough the same.
Pancakes on a Griddle
Anyone else addicted to watching pancakes form on a griddle? It's like I can't take my eyes off the holes. I try to count them as they appear. Things get overwhelming when they multiply exponentially, so I watch the batter dry instead. I find myself wanting to write about craters forming on the moon's surface and folks trying to escape while molten lava fills in on all sides until the tiny people are forced to jump into pits filling with fiery rage.
|Looks like a flattened moon, doesn't it?|
Then it's time to flip the pancake and the batter splats out the sides, just like I imagine a batch of lava spilling onto a flat surface. I should try red velvet pancakes next time.
Hot Dogs in a Microwave Oven
They always split at the tips, kind of like how a flower blooms, or a screaming alien. From the middle of each tip, the very first second, there go the ends. Boink. And they're steaming hot after 3 seconds. For some reason the middle of the dogs stay warm. I thought the microwave cooks from the inside out?
|Painful, right? The creators of Alien |
could have saved a lot of money using this image.
Hot dogs cooking in a microwave is the only activity which makes me think of human flesh and how it might blister and split when baked too long in the Florida sun. Skin cancer is no joke either. Stay out of the sun as much as you can, wear sun screen, and see your dermatologist annually.
Hamburgers on a Grill
A hamburger is supposed to be grilled on high heat. When done right, it gets that pink, bumpy texture everywhere and the bumps are surrounded by bloody streams and this white solidifying juice around the perimeter of the patty - always looks like a large canker sore to me. I know gross, right?
|You're lying to yourself...|
if you don't think this looks like some sort of STD.
So why does cooking reflect this imagery? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
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