02 July 2012

A Big Black Woman Beat My Ass

Character of the Day



She looked like a large, black locomotive and she was heading right toward me, huffing and puffing heaps of warm air from her open mouth. Her large pink lips, held open by a mouthful of oversized teeth, bounced in unison with her voluminous breasts which also slung from side to side as she waddled down the aisle.

The holiday season called on folks near and far and we struggled with last minute Christmas shopping. The small aisle in the calendar store pitted me against the oncoming traffic, the huge black train. I moved sideways to avoid her, pressing my back against a wall shelved with calendars featuring bulldogs, kittens, and horses.

My shoulder bag did not quite make it out of harm’s way. The woman's fat arm brushed the purse in mid-air, sending it twirling into the shelf wall with a thud.

The noise immediately drew the attention of my daughter, now with a look of surprise on her face at my body pressed to the wall and this blob of a woman walking away.

"Scuse me," the woman said, waving a hand in the air as if she were shooing away a bothersome housefly. Without a glance toward me, she continued her shuffle down the aisle.

My daughter tells a different story today and it always starts out, "Oh my gosh! Did I tell you about the time this lady kicked my mom's ass and pushed her into a wall?"



12 comments:

  1. Sorry for laughing, but the bottom comment about your daughter cracked me up. I'm dying to hear her full account.

    Glad you're okay!

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    1. I don't mind Kelly! My daughter exaggerates with sound effects, visuals and all! She somehow has this dramatic flare about her. :) I wonder where she gets it from?

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  2. I hate shopping when it's crowded. I really do.

    Hey! I would like to give you two blog awards for being fabulous and blogging about reading and writing. If you would like them, come on over to claim them!~

    So, I just saw the post titled "I Tried to Cut of My Cousin's Penis" I think I'm taking a detour to see what THAT'S about!

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    1. Thank you Lara! :)

      Yeah, that's a catchy title that draws an audience. lol

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  3. I'm also sorry for laughing but that last line really got me! Leave it to you to have a comedic spin for every occasion (and I mean that in the best way!)

    I was mowed down once while shopping for some holiday or another...I think it was thanksgiving as it involved food. Some lady rammed into me with her shopping cart...needless to say I wasn't pleased. I played the good person, though! While I wanted to chew her out I instead accepted her apology and kindly limped away, ha ha :)

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    1. Limped away?! Oh my goodness!

      People are so rude. But, you're right. I try to find the funny in most things. Glad you got a chuckle. :)

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  4. Oh, so glad I avoid crowded places, though I have had some interesting experiences on public transport.

    You describe this situation well and bring in some interesting metaphors.

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    1. Thank you! I can't complain much. These rude types give me inspiration to write about them. If you're going to be rude and obnoxious, I'll just write about you to get it off my chest. At least I can entertain a few of my friends at the same time. :)

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  5. How did I miss this one? You are hilarious. Especially the breast description.

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    1. I slipped this one in just before the 4th of July holiday because I didn't have anything to write about and my daughter reminded me about this time I got my ass beat.

      I get my inspiration from out of nowhere sometimes. :D

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  6. Diane, I do admire the way you keep your website filled with interesting, entertaining tidbits, interspersed, of course, with more serious posts. (smile) I can't seem to get my head around keeping up my blog.

    I see the thumbnail photo cuts my head off, but grand-nephew Ryan is cute.

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    1. Thank you! I think it helps that my theme of "making progress" allows me to define my wider margins. :)

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