11 January 2012

5 Stupid New Year Resolutions

by Diane Carlisle

Winter Nightmare

Another broad blog chain at Absolute Write: go wherever the prompt takes you. It can be fiction or non-fiction, the nightmare can be Cthulhu or just a struggle with a troublesome New Year's resolution (or anything in between).

I’m going with something in between, like telling you about some really stupid ideas for New Year’s resolutions. Here they are and the reasons I think they are stupid.

1. I’m going to quit smoking – Really? You can imagine this going down like so. You’re partying all night. It chimes midnight. The ball drops in Times Square. Everyone sings Auld Lang Sine as you down what’s left in your plastic champagne glass. You stumble out onto the balcony to light up a cigarette in the cold, night air. You’ve just broken your New Year resolution. Congratulations.

2. I’m going to start a new diet – This one is really stupid. I don’t know about you, but every New Year’s Day my family traditionally cooks an amazing spread with glazed ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, mac and cheese (with extra cheese), corn bread, black eyed peas and green beans, cooked slow with bacon or a smoked ham hock. If you start your diet on this day, you’ll only resent your New Year’s resolution. Defeated and miserable, you’ll shovel your face with food and instantly wish you hadn’t. Ashamedly, you will discover that you gained another 3 pounds before you even started that diet.

3. I’m going to quit drinking – Right, because when you wake up with your hangover in the morning, you’ll wish you had a bite of the dog that bit you the previous evening. You pour a shot the next morning to take the edge off. We’ve all done it. Oh well, maybe next year, because your buddy has a party tonight and the hot twins from Waverly are invited. Seriously, there’s no need to quit drinking unless you have a drinking problem, in which case, the resolution should be “Start AA”.

4. I’m going to join the gym – First of all, if you weren’t already exercising before, joining a gym isn’t going to motivate you to do so in the New Year. You’ll just commit yourself to a yearlong hassle of trying to get your money back and threatening law suits because the gym won’t stop charging your credit card for monthly fees or they refuse to refund your prepaid membership.

5. I’m going to quit swearing like a sailor – This is moronic. As soon as you wake up in the morning from a night of ringing in the New Year, your head is pounding, your heart is racing and you can’t find the bottle of aspirin. With one eye closed, shutting out the light, and the other half-open to find your way, you stub your pinky toe on the corner of the dresser, “Fuck!” Oops, you just broke your New Year resolution, “Damnit!”

Anyway, that’s my January blog chain entry. Please visit these other participating blogs:

orion_mk3 (link to this month's post)
MamaStrong (link to this month's post)
pyrosama YOU ARE HERE
Turndog-Millionaire (link to this month's post)
Alpha Echo (link to this month's post)
LilGreenBookworm (link to this month's post)
Domoviye (link to this month's post)
writingismypassion (link to this month's post)
kimberlycreates (link to this month's post)
Suzanne Seese (link to this month's post)
Diana Rajchel (link to this month's post)
Ralph Pines (link to this month's post)
Alynza (link to this month's post)
Literateparakeet (link to this month's post)
in_one (link to this month's post)
Tomspy77 (link to this month's post)
Inkstrokes (link to this month's post)
kiwiviktor81 (link to this month's post)
These Mean Streets (link to this month's post)
areteus (link to this month's post)
AbielleRose (link to this month's post)

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